Relationships and Restlessness
In many ways this time of year is a time for reflection. It is the end of some things, and the beginning of others. It is the end of the school year. It is the end of the Spring (unofficially). It is the end of club semesters. It is the end of school board sessions. It is the beginning of summer and a whole new schedule of events--softball, summer babysitting routines, summer music schedules, vacations, etc. The recent Memorial Day holiday provided me with a rare opportunity to take some time to myself, sleep in a little bit, and reflect. I think that reflection is still happening into this short week of work.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I'm not talking about romances or even necessarily friendships, but just the relationships that we have with dozens of people each week: Colleagues and coworkers, comrades in clubs and committees, parents of our kids' friends. I'm talking about those people we "connect" with in some small or large way in order to accomplish tasks. In many ways I am reminded this week of how very complex these relationships really are. In general, I think human relationships are all quite complex. And as I write this, I wonder if perhaps the relationships we have that are the most important and meaningful aren't those that are the least complex--but that is just an aside meant for some other discussion at some other time.

I'm not 100 percent certain exactly where I'm going with this. I do know, though, that part of this discussion makes me feel bitter, and part of it makes me feel sweet. So that makes me think that the entire notion has something to do with gratitude and something to do with regret. I'm at a place right now where I can clearly see what has gone on this past year. I can see how hurtful some relationships have been (in the name of school uniform policy implementation or church music designation). On the other hand, that kind of atmosphere makes the sweet relationships seem so much sweeter. A number of relationships come to mind, some quite superficial and rare, which have been truly sweet at their core. I can look back on those now that the rat-race of daily routine has subsided for a moment and feel true gratitude. There are certain people who continually shine in the midst of darkness. Sometimes it is so difficult to see them when we're in the midst of the fog--but they never cease shining. There they are. I'm noticing those people right now.

More than anything else, though, this line of thinking makes me feel tired. Relationships are tiring. They are truly consuming--both in their bitterness and in their sweetness. Today I dealt with a colleague via email and phone who completely wore me down. I felt literally exhausted from dealing with our relationship today. And I have in my mind one of those shining lights. One of those people who has been a glowing beam of reason in the midst of tumultuous committee relationships. And thinking about the debt of gratitude that I owe him also makes me tired.

In a way, I suppose it is the looking back in general that makes one tired. For in that backward reflection it is so very apparent how much one has gone through. Relationships are difficult. In fact, they are exhausting at best. I think that is why it is so important to us, so significant for us when we find someone with whom we say we can feel "at ease." Sometimes we call it "comfortable." But what we really mean, I think, is at ease. It's one of the first things we say about certain relationships. I wonder if it isn't because after the exhaustion of so many relationships, day after day, when we suddenly become aware of the fact that we are in one in which we feel truly "at ease," it is so blatantly welcome we can scarcely believe it to be real.